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" I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. "

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" I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. "

" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "

" I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "

" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "

" I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. "

" I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' "

" I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. "

" I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. "

" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "

" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "

" I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. "

" I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. "

" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "

" When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. "

" I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' "

" My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. "

" You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor. "

" For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. "

" I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' "

" How young can you die of old age? "

" I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. "

" I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "

" When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction. "

Science Fiction

" I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. "

" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? "

" I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.' "

" Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. "

" If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? "

" I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. "

" I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. "