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" I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. "

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" I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. "

" I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. "

" Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' "

" Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. "

" I intend to live forever. So far, so good. "

" I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4. "

" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "

" What's another word for Thesaurus? "

" On the other hand, you have different fingers. "

" One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him. "

" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "

" In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. "

" I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. "

" When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. "

" I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. "

" If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. "

" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "

" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? "

" I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. "

" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "

" I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. "

" Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. "

" When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' "

" Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' "

" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "

" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. "

" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "

" If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? "

" I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.' "

" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "