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" I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell? "

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" I can really stir up a conversation. Every time I go to a meeting or a casting, I try to make it as light and funny as I can. I'm always making really awkward jokes. You have to make life fun and not take it too seriously. I may look like I'm very serious and into my work, but if you knew me, I'm just a jokester. "

Charlotte McKinney

" I try to sign for as many kids as possible. Kids come first, and I'll always sign for a kid before an adult. It's funny, because I was never big into autographs as a kid. The only player who I ever wanted an autograph from was Dave Winfield. "

" I think you figure out how to be funny by necessity. It's not a natural thing, being funny in the face of tragedy is kind of demented. "

" Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. "

" I was flying with my brother, and he challenged me to work out on the airplane. He thought it was funny - and I did it! "

" The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love. "

" Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. "

" The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. "

" It's funny: I always, as a high school teacher and particularly as a high school yearbook teacher, because yearbook staffs are 90 percent female, I got to sit in and overhear teenage girl talk for many years. I like teenage girls; I like their drama, their foibles. And I think, 'I'll be good with a teenage daughter!' "

" Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you're the funniest person you've ever heard of. "

" I never said most of the things I said. "

" All men are equal before fish. "

" Diane Keaton is good for women in and of herself. She's smart and funny and real. "

" I'm a classic example of all humorists - only funny when I'm working. "

" If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you. "

" If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry. "

" I'm screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I'm funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that's appreciated by young people. "

" I own and operate a ferocious ego. "

" Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. "

Robert Benchley

" One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening. "

Franklin P. Jones

" Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley's very funny, very witty guy, very quick. "

" A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. "

George Bernard Shaw

" I always thought I'd like my own tombstone to be blank. No epitaph, and no name. Well, actually, I'd like it to say 'figment.' "

" Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively. "

Laurence J. Peter

" Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint. "

" The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes. "

William Feather

" If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month. "

Theodore Roosevelt

" It's funny, because what happens to me when I read a script, when something grabs hold of me, I start getting these flashes of people or places or things or images. "

" I've decided something: Commercial things really do stink. As soon as it becomes commercial for a mass market it really stinks. "

" I realized I was gay in the shower one day with Barbra Streisand. It happened while I was lathering, rinsing, and repeating with Pert Plus. As I was belting out the chorus to my favorite song from 'Funny Girl,' 'Oh my man, I love him so, he'll never know...' it hit me. "