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" I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. "
Henny Youngman
Two
Quit
Places
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" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "
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" Take my wife... Please! "
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" I am dying from the treatment of too many physicians. "
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" I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. "
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" I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. "
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" If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. "
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" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. "
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" What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. "
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" A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. "
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" Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. "
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" A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. "
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" She has a wash and wear bridal gown. "
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" Students undergo a conversion in the third year of medical school - not pre-clinical to clinical, but pre-cynical to cynical. "
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" My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. "
Henny Youngman
Time
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" I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. "
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" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. "
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Much
" Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. "
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" Patients who are being kept alive by technology and want to end their lives already have a recognized constitutional right to stop any and all medical interventions, from respirators to antibiotics. They do not need physician-assisted suicide or euthanasia. "
Ezekiel Emanuel
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" You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. "
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Being
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" The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. "
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" My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. "
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Way
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" When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. "
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Up
Read
Gave
" You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. "
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Love
Pay
Buy
" This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. "
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Number
Hotel
Service
" I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. "
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Holidays
Up
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" When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. "
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" Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. "
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Want
Before
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" She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. "
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" Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. "
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Two
She
Those