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" This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. "

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" This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. "

" This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! "

" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. "

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" My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. "

" I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. "

" I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. "

" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. "

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" A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. "

" Take my wife... Please! "

" How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' "

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" What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. "

" My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! "

" I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. "

" My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. "

" If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. "

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" My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. "

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" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "

" Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. "

" The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. "

" You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. "