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" You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. "
Henny Youngman
Love
Pay
Buy
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" This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! "
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" What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. "
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" I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. "
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" I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. "
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" The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. "
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" She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. "
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" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. "
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" I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. "
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" How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' "
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Page
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" My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? "
Henny Youngman
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" Take my wife... Please! "
Henny Youngman
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Take
" Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. "
Henny Youngman
Why
Suffering
Drink
" This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. "
Henny Youngman
Women
Chicago
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" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "
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Funny
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" If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. "
Henny Youngman
She
Mother
Selling
" When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. "
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Medical
He
Doctor
" My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. "
Henny Youngman
Way
Cooks
Dresses
" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "
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Funny
Say
God
" I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. "
Henny Youngman
Holidays
Up
Christmas
" You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. "
Henny Youngman
Human
Being
You
" You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. "
Henny Youngman
Cemetery
Like
Talent
" My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. "
Henny Youngman
Lifeguard
Car
Brother
" Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. "
Henny Youngman
Two
She
Those
" While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. "
Henny Youngman
Playing
Good
Golf
" I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. "
Henny Youngman
Finding
Back
Wife
" There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. "
Henny Youngman
Her
Room
Night
" This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. "
Henny Youngman
Number
Hotel
Service
" Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. "
Henny Youngman
Want
Before
Die
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. "
Henny Youngman
Time
Music
Marriage
" If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas. "
Henny Youngman
Again
You
Your