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" When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. "

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" She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. "

" You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. "

" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "

" I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. "

" I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. "

" She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. "

" You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. "

" Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. "

" The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. "

" A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. "

" If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. "

" Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. "

" Take my wife... Please! "

" My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? "

" My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. "

" I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. "

" My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. "

" When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. "

" You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. "

" I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. "

" I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. "

" My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. "

" The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. "

" This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. "

" A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. "

" I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. "

" A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. "

" This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. "

" I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. "