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" A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. "
" I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. "
" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "
" My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. "
" A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. "
" There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. "
" I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. "
" While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. "
" If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. "
" A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. "
" This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. "
" Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. "
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. "
" My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. "
" If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. "
" You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. "
" My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? "
" If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas. "
" I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. "
" Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. "
" How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' "
" When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. "
" She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. "
" I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. "
" I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. "
" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "
" You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. "
" When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. "
" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. "
" My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. "
" That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! "