Home
Authors
Tags
App
Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App
" I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. "
Henny Youngman
Money
Got
Four
Related Quotes:
" When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. "
Henny Youngman
Medical
He
Doctor
" You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. "
Henny Youngman
Cemetery
Like
Talent
" If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. "
Henny Youngman
Tomorrow
Sorry
Morning
" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "
Henny Youngman
Funny
Say
God
" My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. "
Henny Youngman
Way
Cooks
Dresses
" I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. "
Henny Youngman
Anniversary
Woman
Wife
" When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. "
Henny Youngman
Up
Read
Gave
" I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. "
Henny Youngman
Horse
Took
Him
" Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. "
Henny Youngman
Why
Suffering
Drink
" My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. "
Henny Youngman
Time
Brother-In-Law
Army
" She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. "
Henny Youngman
Hips
Match
She
" I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. "
Henny Youngman
Two
Quit
Places
" The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. "
Henny Youngman
Trip
Bet
Diary
" My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. "
Henny Youngman
Lifeguard
Car
Brother
" The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. "
Henny Youngman
Marriage
Happy Marriage
Happy
" This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. "
Henny Youngman
Number
Hotel
Service
" That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! "
Henny Youngman
Time
Start
Position
" If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas. "
Henny Youngman
Again
You
Your
" She has a wash and wear bridal gown. "
Henny Youngman
Wear
Wash
She
" I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. "
Henny Youngman
Holidays
Up
Christmas
" My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. "
Henny Youngman
Need
Over
Right
" While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. "
Henny Youngman
Playing
Good
Golf
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. "
Henny Youngman
Time
Music
Marriage
" There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. "
Henny Youngman
Her
Room
Night
" A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. "
Henny Youngman
Sick
Soup
Woman
" If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. "
Henny Youngman
She
Mother
Selling
" My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? "
Henny Youngman
New
New York
Time
" My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! "
Henny Youngman
Tell
Son
You
" Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. "
Henny Youngman
Two
She
Those
" What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. "
Henny Youngman
Buy
You
Use