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" The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. "
Henny Youngman
Trip
Bet
Diary
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" Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. "
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" When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. "
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" This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! "
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" You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. "
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" A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. "
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" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. "
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" This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. "
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" How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' "
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Page
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" She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. "
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" I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. "
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" Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. "
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" You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. "
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Me
Tell
" I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. "
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Woman
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" If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. "
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Tomorrow
Sorry
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" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "
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" She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. "
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Hips
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" I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. "
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Trash
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Man
" That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! "
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Time
Start
Position
" A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. "
Henny Youngman
Poor
Man
Student
" My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. "
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Way
Cooks
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" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. "
Henny Youngman
Time
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" There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. "
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Her
Room
Night
" I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. "
Henny Youngman
Time
Afraid
Dead
" I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. "
Henny Youngman
Horse
Took
Him
" Take my wife... Please! "
Henny Youngman
Please
Wife
Take
" My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. "
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Need
Over
Right
" I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. "
Henny Youngman
Holidays
Up
Christmas
" I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. "
Henny Youngman
Two
Quit
Places
" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "
Henny Youngman
Funny
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God
" Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. "
Henny Youngman
Airport
Mother-In-Law
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