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" A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. "
" Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. "
" She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. "
" You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. "
" While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. "
" When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. "
" The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. "
" I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. "
" If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. "
" A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. "
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. "
" When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. "
" I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. "
" Take my wife... Please! "
" You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. "
" You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. "
" I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. "
" This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! "
" I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. "
" My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. "
" What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. "
" That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! "
" You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. "
" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "
" My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. "
" I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. "
" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "
" She has a wash and wear bridal gown. "
" If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas. "
" The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. "
" A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. "