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" She has a wash and wear bridal gown. "

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" Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. "

" Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. "

" My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. "

" I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. "

" I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. "

" I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. "

" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. "

" My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. "

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" This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. "

" The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. "

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" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "

" My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? "

" If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. "

" I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. "

" This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. "

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" My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! "

" I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. "

" My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. "

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" Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. "

" The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. "

" Take my wife... Please! "

" What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. "