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" I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. "
Henny Youngman
Time
Afraid
Dead
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" I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. "
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" There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. "
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" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. "
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" I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. "
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" I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. "
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" Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. "
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" The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. "
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" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "
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" My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. "
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" I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. "
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" The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. "
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" My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? "
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" My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. "
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" I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. "
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" How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' "
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" If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. "
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" Take my wife... Please! "
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Please
Wife
Take
" You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. "
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Ready
Me
Tell
" This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. "
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Number
Hotel
Service
" You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. "
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Cemetery
Like
Talent
" What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. "
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Buy
You
Use
" This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! "
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Dog
Go
Graduation
" Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. "
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Why
Suffering
Drink
" A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. "
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Sick
Soup
Woman
" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "
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God
" I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. "
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Money
Got
Four
" When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. "
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Medical
He
Doctor
" A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. "
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Poor
Man
Student
" You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. "
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Love
Pay
Buy
" My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! "
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Tell
Son
You