Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App
" My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. "
" I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. "
" You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. "
" She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. "
" When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. "
" Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. "
" This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. "
" I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. "
" While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. "
" I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. "
" Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. "
" A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. "
" Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. "
" If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. "
" You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. "
" If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas. "
" Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. "
" I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. "
" I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. "
" The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. "
" If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. "
" This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. "
" Take my wife... Please! "
" You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. "
" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "
" How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' "
" My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. "
" I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. "
" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "
" I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. "
" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. "