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" Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. "

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" Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. "

" When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. "

" My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. "

" This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. "

" I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. "

" How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' "

" While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. "

" You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. "

" If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. "

" You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. "

" If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. "

" She has a wash and wear bridal gown. "

" My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. "

" I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. "

" Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. "

" You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. "

" What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. "

" I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. "

" A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. "

" When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. "

" There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. "

" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. "

" My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? "

" A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. "

" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. "

" That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! "

" I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. "

" My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! "

" A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. "

" The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. "