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" In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. "

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" Tradition is the illusion of permanance. "

" I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. "

" Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. "

" I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. "

" Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. "

" In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. "

" My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. "

" The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. "

" It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. "

" Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. "

" I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. "

" Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. "

" I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. "

" There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? "

" Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. "

" You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. "

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" I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. "

" I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. "

" Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. "

" The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. "

" I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. "

" Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. "

" As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. "

" Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. "

" Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. "