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" Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas. "

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" It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf. "

" Morality is the theory that every human act must be either right or wrong, and that 99 % of them are wrong. "

" Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love. "

" Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it. "

" If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish. "

" Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. "

" It is hard for the ape to believe he descended from man. "

" Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing. "

" Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. "

" To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess. "

" A bad man is the sort who weeps every time he speaks of a good woman. "

" A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. "

" It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry. "

" Nevertheless, it is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. "

" If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl. "

" I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them. "

" On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. "

" No one in this world, so far as I know - and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me - has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. "

" A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there. "

" Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. "

" No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not. "

" In the duel of sex woman fights from a dreadnought and man from an open raft. "

" Judge: a law student who marks his own examination-papers. "

" The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable. "

" Poetry has done enough when it charms, but prose must also convince. "

" The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore. "

" I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk. "

" War will never cease until babies begin to come into the world with larger cerebrums and smaller adrenal glands. "

" God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. "