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" The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore. "

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" It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods. "

" Honor is simply the morality of superior men. "

" The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught. "

" A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. "

" If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish. "

" A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground. "

" Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil. "

" Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. "

" All government, of course, is against liberty. "

" A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier. "

" Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing. "

" I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing. "

" The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. "

" Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so long ago. "

" Life is a dead-end street. "

" A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. "

" The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. "

" I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk. "

" Self-respect: the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious. "

" Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself. "

" The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor. "

" Judge: a law student who marks his own examination-papers. "

" There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor. "

" Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. "

" Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. "

" Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice. "

" One may no more live in the world without picking up the moral prejudices of the world than one will be able to go to hell without perspiring. "

" Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. "

" God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. "

" It is not materialism that is the chief curse of the world, as pastors teach, but idealism. Men get into trouble by taking their visions and hallucinations too seriously. "