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" The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. "
H. L. Mencken
Evidence
Hear
Never
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" Don't overestimate the decency of the human race. "
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" A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier. "
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" Morality is the theory that every human act must be either right or wrong, and that 99 % of them are wrong. "
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" It is hard for the ape to believe he descended from man. "
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" Man is always looking for someone to boast to; woman is always looking for a shoulder to put her head on. "
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" The only really happy folk are married women and single men. "
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" Nevertheless, it is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "
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" There is always an easy solution to every problem - neat, plausible, and wrong. "
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" No one in this world, so far as I know - and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me - has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. "
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" The worst government is often the most moral. One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane. But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression. "
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Moral
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" Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. "
H. L. Mencken
Better
Women
Time
" One of the most mawkish of human delusions is the notion that friendship should be eternal, or, at all events, life-long, and that any act which puts a term to it is somehow discreditable. "
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Most
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" For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing. "
H. L. Mencken
Centuries
Explaining
Theologians
" Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. "
H. L. Mencken
Progress
American
Average
" Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love. "
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Women
Children
Simple
" No man ever quite believes in any other man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man. "
H. L. Mencken
Other
Believe
Ever
" A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. "
H. L. Mencken
Examination
Judge
Student
" Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under. "
H. L. Mencken
Government
Ashamed
Man
" Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age. "
H. L. Mencken
Legend
Lie
Age
" A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in. "
H. L. Mencken
Best
Political
Circus
" Time stays, we go. "
H. L. Mencken
Time
Stays
Go
" Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so long ago. "
H. L. Mencken
Die
Long
Man
" I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk. "
H. L. Mencken
Milk
Giving
Write
" Every man is his own hell. "
H. L. Mencken
Every Man
Own
Man
" Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. "
H. L. Mencken
Women
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Love
" Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. "
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Government
Democracy
Science
" Women always excel men in that sort of wisdom which comes from experience. To be a woman is in itself a terrible experience. "
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Women
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" I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine. "
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Until
Smoked
Nine
" Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. "
H. L. Mencken
Conscience
Looking
Voice
" A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. "
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Looks
Flowers
He