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" I'm not a political comedian. That's just not what I do. "

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" I was an awkward kid. "

" I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash. "

" My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes. "

" I like pressure. Pressure doesn't make me crack. It's enabling. I eat pressure, and there might be times when I get a bad feeling in my gut that this might be too much, but you feel pressure when you're not doing something, you know? "

" Pushing the envelope' sort of implies that you're inside the envelope with everyone else, and you're trying to find the edges on the outsides. "

" It's easier to cancel a show if it's expensive. "

" The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to. "

" The only pitch I have to movie people is the same as this one: Just give me $8 million. I'm not telling you what it's about and I'm not telling you who's in it. "

" There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I hate you.' But to me, it's more interesting to say, 'What is this person like and how do they really think?' "

" If you're a cartoon character or most TV characters, sure, you'll fight, because the punches are juicy-sounding and they don't leave marks. But in real life, if somebody punches you in the eye, it doesn't make any noise and your eye is swollen for, like, six months. It's a nightmare to get punched in the eye. "

" I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?' "

" I could never sit down and write jokes. "

" I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at. "

" I don't have a brother in real life. "

" If I do something for my kids, I get a medal, because most fathers don't. "

" I have a crazy amount of different jobs, so the way I manage that is to not do more than one at a time. It's like old computers that had small memory chips, they would do something called swapping, where they would fill the memory with one task, do it and get it out. "

" I don't think it makes any sense to try to get anyone to not talk. "

" When you're young as a comic, you don't have a lot of leverage. "

" Oh, I love stand-up. "

" If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it. "

" Anytime you see a bit where some stranger does something to me, it's me. "

" Everything that people say is testable. "

" America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out. "

" When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.' "

" To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction. "

" I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward. "