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" I think one reason TV has always done well is because there is something comforting where you kind of know what you're going to be taken through. "

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" It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me. "

" There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it. "

" If you're a cartoon character or most TV characters, sure, you'll fight, because the punches are juicy-sounding and they don't leave marks. But in real life, if somebody punches you in the eye, it doesn't make any noise and your eye is swollen for, like, six months. It's a nightmare to get punched in the eye. "

" A lot of TV is put together by teams, by writing staffs and several different directors. It's a great, very smart way to make television. It's worked for however long TV's been around. "

" I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?' "

" I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women. "

" I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad. "

" To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction. "

" America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out. "

" I like all ladies of all different ages. "

" There's a woman I see who's not my therapist, but she's like an old friend who's a therapist in profession. She lets me talk to her like a therapist once in a while, and she does a great thing. Whenever I have a big dilemma, like this is a big problem in my life, she always says, 'Wow, you're going to have to figure that out.' "

" Sometimes I try to take a nap before shows. That clears my head. "

" I have a crazy amount of different jobs, so the way I manage that is to not do more than one at a time. It's like old computers that had small memory chips, they would do something called swapping, where they would fill the memory with one task, do it and get it out. "

" I've always loved boxing. It's something I've always been extremely excited about. "

" You know, the people who do indie film and decide who gets those little budgets? They're mean, man. They're cold and very cool-oriented. "

" I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die. "

" I spend enough time onscreen looking hangdog and depressed. "

" You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.' "

" I like being full, every day, with stuff that I have to do. "

" I do feel a lot of times like I'm out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is. "

" I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor. "

" Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people. "

" When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.' "

" I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.' "

" I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from. "

" A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody. "

" I'm enjoying the work while I get it right now. "

" My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes. "

" The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to. "

" For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money. "