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" I'm one of the idiots that negotiates after I write. "

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" The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it. "

" I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them. "

" I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian. "

" Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate. "

" I'm not quite as anonymous as I was. "

" I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War. "

" It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time. "

" At first, I didn't realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me. "

" I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized. "

" I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me. "

" I don't like to say anything good. I feel like I'll jinx myself. "

" I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood. "

" I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there. "

" I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation. "

" Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis. "

" There's also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny. "

" I'm cranky. "

" Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy. "

Self-Confidence

" My defensiveness in life really helps me as a driver. "

" It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas. "

" Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then. "

" I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed. "

" I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish. "

" Well, as you know, I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. "

" Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough. "

" I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That's what I'm all about - people and laughter. "

" There are times when I'm driving home after a day's shooting, thinking to myself, That scene would've been so much better if I had written it out. "

" I don't write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that's going to happen. There's an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it. "

" I can't stand reading anything that I've said. "

" OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy. "