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" Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then. "

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" The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants in stores anymore. "

" If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny. "

" I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian. "

" I've been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don't need to know anymore. "

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" I'm a walking, talking enigma. "

" Women love a self-confident bald man. "

" I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.' "

" I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there. "

" People don't yell nasty things at actors - they let them continue. "

" I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.' "

" I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted. "

" I'm anti-cheese in a salad. "

" I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.' "

" I have reservations about everything I do. "

" Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it. "

" I can't stand reading anything that I've said. "

" I don't like to say anything good. I feel like I'll jinx myself. "

" I don't like to make a big splash anyway. "

" I have no secrets. "

" Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman. "

" Whenever something good happens to me, it's usually followed by something terrible. "

" There's also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny. "

" I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish. "

" If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not? "

" It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time. "