Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed. "

Related Quotes:

" Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate. "

" If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not? "

" There's nothing that reflects me. I'm unreflectable! "

" I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am. "

" I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab. "

" I think golf is literally an addiction. I'm surprised there's not Golf Anonymous. "

" Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on! "

" Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman. "

" The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial. "

" I'm cranky. "

" Let's not forget, I got divorced. "

" Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair... Change my name, just see what happens. "

" You know, I'm really not that bright. "

" And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me. "

" I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic. "

" People don't yell nasty things at actors - they let them continue. "

" No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all. "

" Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days. "

" OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy. "

" I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.' "

" I am not honest. "

" I'm not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges. "

" I can't stand reading anything that I've said. "

" I have reservations about everything I do. "

" I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently. "

" It's always good to take something that's happened in your life and make something of it comedically. "

" I don't have many friends. "

" Drugs scared me. "

" Anytime I'm involved with anything that's well-received, it's a surprise to me. "

" Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it. "