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" I don't like to say anything good. I feel like I'll jinx myself. "

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" I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money - this is the guy who needs to laugh. "

" I don't write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that's going to happen. There's an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it. "

" When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless. "

" Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy. "

Self-Confidence

" Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish. "

" Most people think I'm immodest. "

" Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then. "

" I think that what people imagine they're going through is much worse than what they are going through. "

" I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them. "

" If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not? "

" I have no secrets. "

" Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on! "

" It's always good to take something that's happened in your life and make something of it comedically. "

" I'm one of the idiots that negotiates after I write. "

" Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious. "

" And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me. "

" I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation. "

" I don't like to make a big splash anyway. "

" Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough. "

" Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it. "

" I think Michael Moore is a hero. "

" I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic. "

" If I wasn't a golfer, I would still be miserable - but not as miserable. "

" If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn't know who I was, she would run away. "

" Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here, because I'm - basically inside, I'm a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over. "

" No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all. "

" I've been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don't need to know anymore. "

" You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid. "

" I don't have many friends. "

" I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out. "