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" Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. "

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" Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. "

" Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. "

" I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. "

" I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. "

" In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. "

" I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. "

" I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! "

" Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. "

" Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. "

" My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. "

" Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. "

" Marriage is the death of hope. "

" I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. "

" It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. "

" I am two with nature. "

" Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. "

" I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "

" I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. "

" Eighty percent of success is showing up. "

" Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? "

" Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. "

" I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. "

" You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. "

" I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. "

" Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. "

" He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. "

" On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down . "

" Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. "

" It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. "