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" It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf. "

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" Each party steals so many articles of faith from the other, and the candidates spend so much time making each other's speeches, that by the time election day is past there is nothing much to do save turn the sitting rascals out and let a new gang in. "

" We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. "

" The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule. "

" Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. "

" Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him. "

" Criticism is prejudice made plausible. "

" Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient. "

" Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself. "

" A bad man is the sort who weeps every time he speaks of a good woman. "

" Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. "

" I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs. "

" It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. "

" To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess. "

" Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. "

" Temptation is an irresistible force at work on a movable body. "

" No man ever quite believes in any other man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man. "

" Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age. "

" On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. "

" Judge: a law student who marks his own examination-papers. "

" The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. "

" The worst government is often the most moral. One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane. But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression. "

" There is always an easy solution to every problem - neat, plausible, and wrong. "

" If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner. "

" The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line. "

" Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable. "

" A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them. "

" Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. "

" I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time. "

" Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest. "