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" Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing. "

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" A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier. "

" Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. "

" Judge: a law student who marks his own examination-papers. "

" Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. "

" Have you ever watched a crab on the shore crawling backward in search of the Atlantic Ocean, and missing? That's the way the mind of man operates. "

" On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. "

" The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable. "

" If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl. "

" Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself. "

" It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office. "

" Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love. "

" All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. "

" We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. "

" If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish. "

" Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. "

" A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. "

" Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him. "

" A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there. "

" Let's not burn the universities yet. After all, the damage they do might be worse. "

" The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. "

" Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it. "

" Self-respect: the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious. "

" The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. "

" Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under. "

" Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. "

" A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas. "

" Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient. "

" All government, of course, is against liberty. "

" The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. "

" Criticism is prejudice made plausible. "