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" No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not. "

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" All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. "

" One may no more live in the world without picking up the moral prejudices of the world than one will be able to go to hell without perspiring. "

" Honor is simply the morality of superior men. "

" Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. "

" Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas. "

" It is hard for the ape to believe he descended from man. "

" A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. "

" Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian. "

" The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable. "

" Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. "

" On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. "

" The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. "

" It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk. "

" Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so long ago. "

" All government, of course, is against liberty. "

" If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner. "

" Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband. "

" Self-respect: the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious. "

" Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. "

" Nevertheless, it is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. "

" Every man is his own hell. "

" The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught. "

" Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. "

" Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it. "

" Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. "

" I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs. "

" The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral. "

" No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single. "