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" You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. "

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" Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there. "

" Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. "

" My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time. "

" A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness. "

" I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals. "

" Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. "

" The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end. "

" When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy. "

" The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun. "

" There's different kinds of laughs. It's like a baseball lineup: this guy's your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we're gonna win. "

" Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky. "

" I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped. "

" People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. "

" The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. "

" The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing. "

" Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think. "

" I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there. "

" As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that. "

" Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat. "

" You can be passionate about anything. "

" For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh. "

" Stand-up is hard. "

" I like definitive things. "

" It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. "

" I'm a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they're beautiful things when they're done. "

" To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information. "

" Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me. "

" I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained. "

" I like money, but it's never been about the money. "

" We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment. "