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" Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky. "

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" When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you're a guest in someone's face. So that's why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I'm in your face. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Home

Feel

Face

" Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game. "

" Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. "

" When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy. "

" Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death. "

" Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think. "

" The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! "

" I like definitive things. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Things

Definitive

" I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating - is this the exact right mix? I think that's - to me it's anti-comedy. It's more about PC-nonsense. "

" Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. "

" There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don't really think most people really understand what they've seen. "

" The Internet offers opportunities that are more unique than ever before. With TV, I know I'm making 22 minutes; I know there's a commercial in the middle. With the Internet, no one knows anything. No rules. "

" I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. "

" If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Bad

Hours

" I like money, but it's never been about the money. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Never

Money

" As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that. "

" You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual - which nothing is more actual than stand-up - it's a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time - we miss that. "

" When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself. "

" I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there. "

" I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu. "

" We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup. "

" I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me. "

" Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. "

" The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. "

" We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment. "

" Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Look

Humor

" You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. "

" You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' "

" It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it. "

" Stand-up is hard. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Hard

Stand-Up