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" Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box. "

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" We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup. "

" I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating - is this the exact right mix? I think that's - to me it's anti-comedy. It's more about PC-nonsense. "

" I love being a dad. I just love it. "

" A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness. "

" You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture. "

" I'm a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they're beautiful things when they're done. "

" Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky. "

" You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. "

" The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. "

" Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there. "

" Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. "

" My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time. "

" I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. "

" A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. "

" You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. "

" Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me. "

" Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. "

" I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there. "

" I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into. "

" If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience. "

" When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy. "

" There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.' "

" Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. "

" Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death. "

" When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself. "

" The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun. "

" There's different kinds of laughs. It's like a baseball lineup: this guy's your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we're gonna win. "

" The Internet offers opportunities that are more unique than ever before. With TV, I know I'm making 22 minutes; I know there's a commercial in the middle. With the Internet, no one knows anything. No rules. "

" If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years. "

" A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. "