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" If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Bad
Go
Hours
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" My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Law
Florida
Sixty
" For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Search
Laugh
You
" Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. "
Jerry Seinfeld
World
Not Interested
Live
" You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think 'Well gee, let's not mess this up.' But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Love
Think
Good
" I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals. "
Jerry Seinfeld
End
You
People
" There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.' "
Jerry Seinfeld
Know
Think
Men
" Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Good
Angry
Know
" Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Traveled
Road
Less
" Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Good
Yourself
You
" My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Theory
Human
Time
" The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Write
Thought
Car
" Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Passion
Funny
Life
" To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Me
Like
Laugh
" Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Treat
Taking
Game
" There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Thing
Family
Fun
" I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Doing
Walk
People
" I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me. "
Jerry Seinfeld
People
Tell
Ridiculous
" The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, 'Bye!' "
Jerry Seinfeld
Worst
Flying
Way
" Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Back
You
Attention
" Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Begin
You
Think
" The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Truth
Truth Is
Kind
" I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. "
Jerry Seinfeld
I Think
Think
Delicate
" There's different kinds of laughs. It's like a baseball lineup: this guy's your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we're gonna win. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Like
Job
Win
" I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Audience
Because
Old
" You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Doing
You
Feel
" I like definitive things. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Things
Definitive
Like
" The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Comedy
Friends
Laugh
" I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Need
Entertained
You
" Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Me
Look
Humor
" I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Special
Put
Want