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" Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. "

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" As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that. "

" I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. "

" When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy. "

" It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. "

" The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. "

" You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think 'Well gee, let's not mess this up.' But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it. "

" Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game. "

" You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture. "

" To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving. "

" The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing. "

" I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist. "

" I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into. "

" A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match. "

" For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh. "

" To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information. "

" A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness. "

" I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there. "

" Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me. "

" Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. "

" The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say. "

" People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. "

" The Internet offers opportunities that are more unique than ever before. With TV, I know I'm making 22 minutes; I know there's a commercial in the middle. With the Internet, no one knows anything. No rules. "

" A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. "

" Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there. "

" You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' "

" Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. "

" Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. "

" I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. "

" We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it. "

" If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years. "