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" On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.' "

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" My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. "

" Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? "

" When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. "

" Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? "

" I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "

" I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. "

" I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. "

" We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. "

" My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. "

" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "

" It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. "

" I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs. "

" If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention. "

" Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "

" I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience. "

" I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it. "

" Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. "

" When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third. "

" I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. "

" There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. "

" If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. "

" A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. "

" My Vegas act is how I make my money. "

" I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again. "

" My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. "

" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. "