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" I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it. "
Rita Rudner
Comic
Until
Had
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" Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? "
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" If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. "
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" Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. "
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" I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money! "
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" My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. "
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" My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. "
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" I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. "
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" My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. "
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" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "
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" It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "
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" Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. "
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" Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act. "
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" I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. "
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" The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. "
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" I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me. "
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" I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.' "
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" I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. "
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" I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. "
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" I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. "
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" I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again. "
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" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "
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