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" My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. "

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" I detest jokes - when somebody tells me one, I feel my IQ dropping; the brain cells start to disappear. But something is funny when the person delivering the line doesn't know it's funny or doesn't treat it as a joke. Maybe it comes from a place of truth, or it's a sort of rage against society. "

" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "

" Probably spending 12 years at boarding school - comedy became a survival gene. But I think some people are funny right off the bat, as soon as they can speak or be naughty. "

" You're only as good as your last haircut. "

" I never looked at myself as the fat sister. Sometimes I would beat people to the punch and say, 'Oh I'm the fat, funny one,' because that's what people would say about me. But I never really thought that. "

Khloe Kardashian

" I started writing 'Southern Baptist Sissies' right after I had written the screenplay for 'Sordid Lives', so that's when I started on a darker path in telling the truth about my journey in the church, but there was still a lot of funny. "

" A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. "

" Because death and illness are the most horrible things in life, of course that's where the most absurdly funny things are going to happen. "

" My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. "

" I'm not that good looking. That's why 'Gangnam Style' works. If someone handsome uses that phrase it's just awkward. But if someone like me uses it, it's funny. "

" It's really irritating. Even people who like my work sometimes come up to me and say, 'I usually don't like female comedians, but your material is great!' It makes the job prospect more daunting. Funny is funny, you know? "

Chelsea Peretti

" People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. "

" I think that 'Hangover II' is as funny as 'The Hangover I,' honest to God, but I think that it's a little bit darker, and the stakes are a little bit higher. "

" Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. "

" What do I know of man's destiny? I could tell you more about radishes. "

" A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. "

" A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. "

" I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. "

Winston Churchill

" If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you. "

" People often can't separate, or can't understand, that to be funny is to be serious; it's a way of pulling people in and not scaring them off. I think a lot of the funny stuff, underneath it, there's a deep anxiety going on. "

" People forget how outcast 'They Might Be Giants' can be. They have a reputation for writing really deft, funny, clever melodies, and they also make a lot of music for kids, which is terrific, but when you see them in concert, they can rock the house. "

" The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun. "

P. G. Wodehouse

" Do you know, it's funny, but I never thought of being blind as a disadvantage, and I never thought of being black as a disadvantage. "

" A lot of newspaper columns used to be written in a rat-a-tat-tat, fast-paced style - and they tended to be funny. They were a little relief from the grimmer, grayer parts of the newspaper, and one of the best people at doing this was Will Rogers. "

" The funny thing about having all this so-called success is that behind it is a certain horrible emptiness. "

" You meet folks who are funny and really smart and persistent and loving that are confronting this thing we call poverty, which is just a shorthand for this way of life that holds you underwater. And you just wonder what our country would be if we allowed these people to flourish and reach their full potential. "

Matthew Desmond

" Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long. "

" I went to private school for a very long time, and we always wore uniforms. Then in third grade, I switched to a public school, so I was so excited to wear what I wanted on the first day. I remember I chose this orange hoodie with a skirt, and it's so funny when I think about it now because my style really hasn't changed that much. "

" Every dogma has its day. "

Anthony Burgess

" I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. "

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