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" Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. "

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" I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. "

" I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. "

" I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. "

" I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. "

" I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. "

" This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. "

" I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "

" It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. "

" Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. "

" It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? "

" I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. "

" Dogs are forever in the push up postion. "

" I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. "

" I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. "

" Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. "

" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "

" Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? "

" Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. "

" I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. "

" I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. "

" My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. "

" My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. "

" I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. "

" I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. "

" I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. "

" Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. "

" If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. "

" The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. "

" My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' "

" All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. "