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" A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. "

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" Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. "

" I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. "

" I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. "

" I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. "

" The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. "

" I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. "

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" I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. "

" Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! "

" People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. "

" I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. "

" All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. "

" Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? "

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" I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. "

" Dogs are forever in the push up postion. "

" My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' "

" I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. "

" I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. "

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" Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' "

" I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "

" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "

" This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. "

" I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. "

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" I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. "

" My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. "

" I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. "