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" If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you. "
Billy Wilder
Going
Funny
You
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" I know my strong points: I work hard, I have talent, I'm funny, and I'm a good person. "
Pink
Work Hard
Good
Funny
" Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them. "
P. G. Wodehouse
Restaurant
Best
Funny
" Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave. "
Wilson Mizner
Talk
Done
Yourself
" Every day after school for 10 years, I was on the set of 'Married... with Children,' which is a really funny and perverse place for a little girl in a Catholic school uniform to grow up. "
Meghan Markle
Children
Day
Funny
" I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. "
David Letterman
Talk
Sing
Dance
" My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. "
Woody Allen
Funny
Am
I Am
" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "
Dave Barry
Building
Water
Universe
" If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. "
Johnny Carson
Radio
Television
Still
" Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is. "
Steve Martin
Order
Midst
Funny
" If you believe, as I do believe, in reincarnation, they say that every time you come back, it's because you have to finish something. I've a funny feeling that my thing in this life is to have one relationship after another. "
Marie Helvin
Believe
Relationship
Time
" I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent. "
Elayne Boosler
Place
Truth
Thought
" I'm a classic example of all humorists - only funny when I'm working. "
Peter Sellers
Example
Working
Only
" Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. "
Mark Twain
Hell
Heaven
Go
" The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! "
Jerry Seinfeld
Take
Want
Anything
" They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. "
Clint Eastwood
Lightning
They Say
Say
" The surprising thing is that I was not funny in high school. I was always jealous of the funny kids because they always got the girls. I couldn't tell a joke to save my life. "
Seann William Scott
Jealous
Life
My Life
" Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. "
Joan Rivers
Me
Funny
Forty
" Being funny is everything to me. "
Allison Jones
Being Funny
Everything
Funny
" It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. "
Arthur C. Clarke
Intelligence
Funny
Survival
" Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively. "
Laurence J. Peter
Correct
Three
Man
" I can really stir up a conversation. Every time I go to a meeting or a casting, I try to make it as light and funny as I can. I'm always making really awkward jokes. You have to make life fun and not take it too seriously. I may look like I'm very serious and into my work, but if you knew me, I'm just a jokester. "
Charlotte McKinney
Light
Work
Fun
" I think I have a dark view of the world. I have to make everything funny, otherwise it all seems so sad. "
Moon Unit Zappa
Funny
Sad
Think
" Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny. "
Norm MacDonald
Surprises
You
Laugh
" My favourite comedian, of course, is Tim Conway. He has a way about him - being that belly-laugh kind of funny, and he has the improvisational skills, too. I've never seen anybody better. "
Carol Burnett
Way
Never
Better
" Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell. "
Robert Byrne
Walk
Funny
Imagine
" What's funny is that the idea of popularity - even the use of the word 'popular' - is something that had been mostly absent from my life since junior high. In fact, the hallmark of life after junior high seemed to be the shedding of popularity as a central concern. "
Susan Orlean
High
Word
Life
" Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot before I can be even remotely amusing. "
Rowan Atkinson
Funny
Think
I Am
" Never fight an inanimate object. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Object
Fight
Funny
" I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. "
Paul Lynde
Years
Funny
Church
" I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights. "
Jay London
Tonight
Watching
Funny