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" Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back. "

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" To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel. "

" The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. "

" Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you. "

" No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. "

" I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit. "

" I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota. "

" Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football. "

" I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. "

" Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. "

" My favorite animal is steak. "

" Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying. "

" If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail. "

" Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw. "

" Polite conversation is rarely either. "

" Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully. "

" Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure. "

" Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine. "

" You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do. "

" Andy Warhol made fame more famous. "

" All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. "

" Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "

" Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq. "

" I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not. "

" Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk. "

" Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass. "

" Food is an important part of a balanced diet. "

" My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them. "

Freedom Of Speech

" Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable. "

" When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough. "

" Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat. "