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" Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "

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" The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive. "

" Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass. "

" All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. "

" As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. "

" Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. "

" Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure. "

" Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk. "

" Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable. "

" In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy. "

" Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat. "

" My favorite animal is steak. "

" If you're going to America, bring your own food. "

" Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. "

" You're only as good as your last haircut. "

" Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications. "

" The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. "

" Nothing succeeds like address. "

" There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior. "

" Polite conversation is rarely either. "

" I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood? "

" I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not. "

" In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "

" I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. "

" If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct. "

" Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep. "

" Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back. "

" Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try. "

" Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football. "

" My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them. "

Freedom Of Speech

" The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. "