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" When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough. "
Fran Lebowitz
World
New York
New
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" My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them. "
Fran Lebowitz
Speech
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Freedom Of Speech
" The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive. "
Fran Lebowitz
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" Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add. "
Fran Lebowitz
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" No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. "
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" I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota. "
Fran Lebowitz
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" If you're going to America, bring your own food. "
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" I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. "
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" Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. "
Fran Lebowitz
Obvious
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" In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "
Fran Lebowitz
Algebra
Life
Real
" Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching. "
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" Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq. "
Fran Lebowitz
Texas
Calling
Iraq
" If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words. "
Fran Lebowitz
Suicide
Words
Speak
" Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football. "
Fran Lebowitz
Women
Woman
Good
" Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep. "
Fran Lebowitz
Sleep
Something
You
" Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully. "
Fran Lebowitz
Off
Like
Carry
" Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable. "
Fran Lebowitz
Always
Been
Me
" Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you. "
Fran Lebowitz
Phone
Happy
Be Happy
" Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat. "
Fran Lebowitz
Easy
Most
Fun
" Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set. "
Fran Lebowitz
Like
Look
Crowd
" If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail. "
Fran Lebowitz
Dog
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You
" I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit. "
Fran Lebowitz
People
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Place
" Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "
Fran Lebowitz
Your
You
Life
" Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat. "
Fran Lebowitz
Purpose
Vegetables
Good
" Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications. "
Fran Lebowitz
Book
Just
School
" In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy. "
Fran Lebowitz
Democracy
Communism
Capitalism
" Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure. "
Fran Lebowitz
Step
Business
Dance
" Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw. "
Fran Lebowitz
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Romantic
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" As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. "
Fran Lebowitz
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Teen
" All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. "
Fran Lebowitz
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Most
" Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back. "
Fran Lebowitz
Clothing
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Want