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" I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. "
Fran Lebowitz
Lottery
Your
You
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" If you're going to America, bring your own food. "
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" Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. "
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" If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail. "
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" In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "
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" Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try. "
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" Nothing succeeds like address. "
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" Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep. "
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" The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive. "
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" There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior. "
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" When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough. "
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" Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set. "
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" Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat. "
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" Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching. "
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" I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota. "
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" Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat. "
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" Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine. "
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" If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct. "
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" The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. "
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" My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them. "
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" Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back. "
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" To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel. "
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" Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure. "
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" My favorite animal is steak. "
Fran Lebowitz
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" Polite conversation is rarely either. "
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" Food is an important part of a balanced diet. "
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" Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying. "
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" I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not. "
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" Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq. "
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" All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. "
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