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" Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure. "

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" No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. "

" Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk. "

" When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough. "

" Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add. "

" There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior. "

" My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them. "

Freedom Of Speech

" If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct. "

" All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. "

" Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "

" In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy. "

" Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat. "

" If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words. "

" Humility is no substitute for a good personality. "

" Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met. "

" Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching. "

" The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. "

" Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine. "

" I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota. "

" Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you. "

" Andy Warhol made fame more famous. "

" Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully. "

" Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set. "

" Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications. "

" Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. "

" Nothing succeeds like address. "

" The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. "

" Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football. "

" Polite conversation is rarely either. "

" If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail. "

" Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass. "