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" Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq. "

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" I must take issue with the term 'a mere child', for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult. "

" To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel. "

" In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "

" Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching. "

" Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine. "

" Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back. "

" Andy Warhol made fame more famous. "

" Nothing succeeds like address. "

" Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable. "

" As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. "

" I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. "

" Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. "

" Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you. "

" No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. "

" The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. "

" Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying. "

" Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set. "

" Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications. "

" You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do. "

" Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add. "

" My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them. "

Freedom Of Speech

" I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota. "

" I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit. "

" If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail. "

" Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk. "

" Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try. "

" You're only as good as your last haircut. "

" The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive. "

" Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat. "

" Humility is no substitute for a good personality. "