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" Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football. "

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" To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel. "

" Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine. "

" As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. "

" Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq. "

" Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "

" Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw. "

" My favorite animal is steak. "

" I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit. "

" Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass. "

" Food is an important part of a balanced diet. "

" I must take issue with the term 'a mere child', for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult. "

" If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail. "

" Humility is no substitute for a good personality. "

" If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct. "

" Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met. "

" Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching. "

" Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. "

" In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "

" Nothing succeeds like address. "

" You're only as good as your last haircut. "

" In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy. "

" I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. "

" All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. "

" I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood? "

" Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back. "

" My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them. "

Freedom Of Speech

" Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk. "

" The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. "

" Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure. "

" There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior. "