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" Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk. "

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" All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. "

" If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct. "

" When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough. "

" Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq. "

" Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications. "

" No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. "

" My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them. "

Freedom Of Speech

" Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine. "

" I must take issue with the term 'a mere child', for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult. "

" Humility is no substitute for a good personality. "

" Polite conversation is rarely either. "

" Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back. "

" Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. "

" Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching. "

" Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw. "

" Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass. "

" Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "

" Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add. "

" Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat. "

" Food is an important part of a balanced diet. "

" The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. "

" Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set. "

" Andy Warhol made fame more famous. "

" In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "

" Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try. "

" I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood? "

" I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota. "

" Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. "

" Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep. "

" To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel. "