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" Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat. "

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" Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "

" If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail. "

" You're only as good as your last haircut. "

" I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not. "

" All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. "

" Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add. "

" The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. "

" Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. "

" Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met. "

" Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football. "

" I must take issue with the term 'a mere child', for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult. "

" Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. "

" I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood? "

" No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. "

" The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. "

" Food is an important part of a balanced diet. "

" My favorite animal is steak. "

" Polite conversation is rarely either. "

" Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk. "

" When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough. "

" In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "

" Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully. "

" Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw. "

" The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive. "

" Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications. "

" You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do. "

" In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy. "

" Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try. "

" Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable. "

" Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq. "