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" The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. "
Fran Lebowitz
Way
Drink
Without
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" If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail. "
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" Polite conversation is rarely either. "
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" The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. "
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" I must take issue with the term 'a mere child', for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult. "
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" Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep. "
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" You're only as good as your last haircut. "
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" Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully. "
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" All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. "
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" I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. "
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" Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back. "
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" Food is an important part of a balanced diet. "
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" As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. "
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" Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable. "
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" Andy Warhol made fame more famous. "
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" In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "
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" Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat. "
Fran Lebowitz
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" Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw. "
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" Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure. "
Fran Lebowitz
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Dance
" Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications. "
Fran Lebowitz
Book
Just
School
" Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set. "
Fran Lebowitz
Like
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Crowd
" There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior. "
Fran Lebowitz
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" Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "
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" Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football. "
Fran Lebowitz
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Woman
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" Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. "
Fran Lebowitz
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Even
Children
" Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying. "
Fran Lebowitz
Ask
Your
Only
" I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not. "
Fran Lebowitz
Play
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Chance
" Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. "
Fran Lebowitz
Doors
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Comfortable
" Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you. "
Fran Lebowitz
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" I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood? "
Fran Lebowitz
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" My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them. "
Fran Lebowitz
Speech
Freedom
Freedom Of Speech